How are you supposed to manage? And why can’t I deal with it when everybody else can?


Women (of course even men) who accomplish a lot in their lives, who are industrious and goal oriented impress me. Those you believe to be so successful and fortunate, those people who just have it all.

Who they are?

They have a permanent full time employment (and always a really well paid one), well polished children, and a time consuming hobby so they’re making sure they’re taking good care of their own personality as well. Usually they’re working out too, so they’re taking care of their bodies.

Because they’re not only moms and wives, no sire, they are autonomous people too. Outside of the family.

And they’re not any kind of person either, but an industrious person, that kind of person who gets loads of things done while you yourself, like an old rag, are lying totally deadbeat on the couch, out of breath panting only by having to make the smallest effort, like trying to reach the remote.

A couple of years ago I had a friend in the extended circle of acquaintances, who I admired a lot. From a distance of course, and secretly, because you simply can’t go ranting around about how you admire people and look at them as role models – you simply don’t do that in Sweden. How could you? What would people think??? Anyhow, this woman was/is in a relationship (now they’re married) with a man who I myself thought of as almost the perfect man, and actually had a crush on him for a short period way back. He is handsome, nice, sane and smart, and also the kind of person who is insolently driven. Together they’re the perfect couple (although unfortunately I’m no longer that naive that I believe the perfect couple even exists). At that time she was also a mother of a growing bunch of kids (she’s still a mother, although at least now the bunch has stopped growing), full time worker on a management position, and still had the time to start her own company on the side. I also suspect she somewhere had the space and time for her family and a social life, however I have no evidence of this!

I was stunned of admirable bafflement!

As if that wasn’t enough  I’d always considered her to be a decent and sweet young girl, and later it turned out she could also perform. A lot more than what was actually expected from her.

I was extremely impressed. At the same time insanely envious, but not at all jaundiced, because I understood that she was working hard, I understood how hard she was fighting for the things she actually had.

The only thing I didn’t understand was how she managed, from where she got her energy.

Today I’m more or less there – minus the fiancee (he’s far away at the moment, so I don’t have to focus that hard on him) & minus the growing bunch of kids, so minus the most demanding pieces then. The only things I need to focus on are my full time employment and my own company.

But I just can’t manage.

I’m so exhausted when I get back home from my fulltime work I can’t really find the energy and the happiness to see the fruit of my persistence, of my hard work today, is so far away in the twilight for me to even be bothered. Like the lazy human I am, I’m more interested in the immediate reward which is infront of me today.

Sure it’s great living in the present! But still!

Often enough you have to pull yourself up and just go for it, look forward and bite the bullet. Some days I’m having a hard time doing that, though. Sometimes I imagine it’s because I’m so broken, but I think, if I’m to be totally honest, if I hadn’t been broken I’d had another excuse to hide behind. To avoid fighting.

It’s definitely not that I don’t want it, nor that I don’t want to fight for it, because I really do want it!

I’ve never wanted anything this much in my entire life, and I’ve wanted it for almost 10 years. But I just can’t manage, I can’t deal with it, I don’t have the energy. It feels as if all the requirements are just pouring over me, and my reaction is a complete apathy – an inability to act. My fulltime employment drains me completely – I shun people as if they were lepers. The biggest reason why I more and more felt a growing need to change profession.

But in order to be able to change profession I have to work hard during a long period of time, and sometimes I wonder how it will happen; how in God’s name will I reach my goal when the only things I can manage to do are lying in bed, watching tv-series (although great ones) and lounging, play games, while all the while believing this is going to be my life forever… too drained to manage, too empty to feel and too broken to be fixed.